Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith…” Hebrews 12:2a

I need this right about now. I need to remember the Source of my faith. I confess, faith is not one of my virtues. As I probably mentioned before, I have a tendency to prepare for or expect the worse. Truth be told, most times “the worse” never comes, which results in me expending unnecessary energy. I have this developed this “deep, thought-provoking” saying over the years, after living through seasons of difficulty (which for me is often accompanied by anxiety). “All that worrying for nothing.”

I realize that the exact opposite of anxiety is faith, “being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.” (Hebrews 11:1). It takes faith for me to continue in this pregnancy with joy. In this 13^th week, I am nearing the end of my first trimester. This is typically the time when many expectant parents begin sharing their news as it is medically stated that the risk of miscarriage is dramatically reduced. This is considered a great milestone. And, yet for many, the anxiety continues. Why? Our eyes are “fixed” on the wrong things – medical research, technology, etc. None of these things are capable of providing the faith needed to continue the pregnancy in hope and joy.

I’ve learned that pregnancy is all about hoping for the unseen. In spite of ultrasounds, heartbeats, butterfly-like movements and kicks, there is something about wanting to see the baby. Our anticipation is even more heightened as we have determined to wait until delivery to learn the gender. We can hope and pray. But, the only way to move forward peacefully and joyously is to focus on the One who not only “wrote” and created our faith, but sustains and completes it. God alone holds our future. May we choose to rest in Him.

In times of doubt or anxiety, when tempted to lose sight of Christ, I choose to call out as one father did on behalf of his child, “Lord, I believe, help me overcome my unbelief!” (Mark 9:24)

With fixed eyes,

Kim

“Wake up, O sleeper, rise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you.” Ephesians 5:14

How fitting this verse is during this season of my life. Physically, I find myself “waking” several times throughout the night, repositioning, running to the bathroom, eating… What I have found upon waking is that it can be a slight challenge to maneuver from one room to the next. On one hand, there is the disorientation resulting from not being fully awake. However, more prevalent is element of darkness.

Darkness covers and distorts. It keeps one from being able to see direction. I have run into things in the dark. I have to feel around cautiously in the dark, blindly feeling my way from one location to the next. I walk gingerly, attempting to avoid stepping on something (mainly our dog, Selah). Darkness can be dangerous.

But then, there is light…

Just a little light provides vision and sight. For all that darkness hides, a small amount of light is sufficient to uncover. A match, a flashlight, a night light. All of these sources of light, however small, shed just enough light to provide direction. It keeps me from injuring myself, the baby (and Selah). Light reduces danger.

This is true not only in physical aspects, but spiritual as well. Ephesians 5:14 addresses the “fruitless deeds of darkness” mentioned in the previous verse. Simply put, it addresses sin. I have found myself in this cycle of being comfortable in my sin, comfortable in trying to do what I want to do, when and how I want to do it. Comfortable in darkness. Then, I wonder where God is and why He is silent when I seek direction and clarity. I question where He is in times of “darkness.” Where is His light?

His words? “Wake up.” Notice, the waking precedes the shining. The acknowledgement of my sin and my determination to do things my way, the confession of my “fruitless deeds”, my waking up from the death of self-sufficiency and arrogance – these things provide the opportunity for a deeper relationship with Him. Then, I walk in the Light.

May He shine on,

Kim

This week the hymn “What a Friend” kept playing in my mind. I believe the lyrics by Joseph Scriven speak for themselves, so I refrain from elaboration. Here they are:

What a Friend

What a friend we have in Jesus,

all our sins and griefs to bear!

What a privilege to carry

everything to God in prayer!

O what peace we often forfeit,

O what needless pain we bear,

all because we do not carry

everything to God in prayer.

2. Have we trials and temptations?

Is there trouble anywhere?

We should never be discouraged;

take it to the Lord in prayer.

Can we find a friend so faithful

who will all our sorrows share?

Jesus knows our every weakness;

take it to the Lord in prayer.

3. Are we weak and heavy laden,

cumbered with a load of care?

Precious Savior, still our refuge;

take it to the Lord in prayer.

Do thy friends despise, forsake thee?

Take it to the Lord in prayer!

In his arms he’ll take and shield thee;

thou wilt find a solace there.

Lyrics by Joseph Scriven, 1820-1886

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition with thanksgiving, present your requests to God, and the peace of God which surpasses all understanding will guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus” Philippians 4:6-8

Yes, I have already blogged about this verse, in week 6 to be exact. Seems like this verse will be one I will have to revisit and “carry” with me, if not in writing, at least in my head and heart, for the next few months.

It’s tempting. Tempting to believe that by worrying I can actually control the situation, that somehow I can maneuver or strategize enough to get the result that I desire. And yet the reality stares me in the face – “I can’t”. I constantly hear Christ’s rhetorical question, “Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?” (Matthew 6:27). And still I worry – a clear indication of my lack of faith and trust in God and His wisdom.

I can do absolutely nothing and yet He can do absolutely everything. So why am I worried? There are so many things that I have convinced myself that I must be concerned with. This week I had what I considered a scare. Sent me reeling, expecting the worse, believing/thinking I was destined for a negative outcome. Nothing bad happened. All that worrying for nothing.

For whatever reason, it is difficult for me to expect the best. As hard as I may try to believe otherwise, I’m a pessimist (this fault inspired one of Reggie’s 1^st nicknames for me). This is what we pessimists “do” – we worry – and as a result we displease God. “Without faith it is impossible to please God” (Hebrews 11:6)

The proper response is trust. This is what prayer, petitioning and thanksgiving reflect – trust, an acknowledgement that I am totally incapable of controlling my circumstances, so I willingly and gratefully choose to give it over to the One who can.

By the way, as God (the One who is really in control) would have it, two days after my scare, I had my first prenatal appointment. The baby was still too small for the midwife to hear the heartbeat, so she decided to do a quick ultrasound. There s/he was, squirming, wiggling all over. And better than hearing it, we watched the heartbeat. And I promise I could hear God say, “See, told you. All that worrying for nothing.”

There are so many emotions and thoughts that have run the course in my head and heart over the last few weeks. And I have shared some of them. However, perhaps the one that I have most neglected to give attention to is gratitude.

We know what it is to experience loss. We know what it means to have to patiently wait for God to do something we hope for, long for. We have experienced anticipation, joy, fear, anger, excitement, and sadness. But this week, the thought is gratitude.

I am grateful that God has allowed us to make it further along than we did in the past. I am grateful that He has entrusted us with this journey thus far. Though we don’t know what the future holds, the anticipation of what we hope to be humbles us, excited us! All I can humbly say is “Thank you”. I thank Him for the many people who have rejoiced over hearing our news. I am grateful for the prayers and hopes of a healthy pregnancy, delivery and baby. Perhaps more humbling has been the number of people who upon finding out we were expecting excitedly exclaimed, “I’ve been praying this for you all!” How awesomely, wonderfully, humbling to find out that unbeknownst to us, there has been a small army of people petitioning God, praying with us for this child. Our joy is theirs as well as they see an unselfish prayer answered.

This gratefulness is what I pray I move forward with in pregnancy. As I experience the nausea, weight gain, and general pregnancy experiences, I want to go forward remembering that this child is an answer to prayer- not just ours, but our “village” – our family. As I move forward, I will remember to “be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Gratefully resting,

Kim

I keep getting stuck. Stuck on old things. You know, focusing on what happened then with a determination to avoid it happening now. Truth is, I’m not in control of my present anymore than I am my past.

The past is designed to teach us lessons. I can reflect on past mistakes and learn from them. I can reflect on past victories and be encouraged. I can reflect on what God has done, in order to strengthen my faith in knowing what He is capable of doing. But, His mercies are new every morning.

Reflecting is different than dwelling. Dwelling means I choose to live in the past. Reflecting means I stop by for a brief visit. Dwelling means I don’t move forward. I get stuck. Think about it. When do we ever enjoy being “stuck”? When does being “stuck” aid progress? Stuck in traffic. Stuck in an elevator. Stuck on an airport runway, in the house, or even in the mall during a storm or flood. Being stuck turns a potentially helpful experience into a hindrance. So it is with being stuck in the past.

For me, I have been stuck on the past miscarriage. Worrying about the past disappointment and heartbreak, I have failed to thoroughly enjoy this present miracle. It is a miracle. Present day, right now, God-given miracle. This time, Reggie and I have just sensed that this experience is different, that the past was one opportunity to grow, and this will be a completely different and new opportunity and experience. And, I am encouraged by God’s word to the Israelites as they lamented over their plight as exiles (self-inflicted plight, I might add).

“Behold, I will do a new thing, now shall it spring forth; shall you not know it?” (Isaiah 43:19)

Today I choose to be ‘unstuck’. I choose to walk in the new mercies, the new thing, that God is choosing to do in our lives. Today, I choose joy.

Moving forward,

Kim

Abide in Me, and I in you. As a branch cannot bear fruit of itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you unless you abide in me…He who abides in me, and I in him bears much fruit, for without Me you can do nothing. John 15:4, 5b

Now I understand what ‘abide ‘means. There is currently a child who is “abiding” in me. He eats what I eat and drinks what I drink. Her sustenance is based upon my health and well-being (realizing that God is the one who truly sustains). He goes where I go. She rests, dwells, and makes herself at home in me. He abides.

In the hustle of life, it can be tempting to do everything but abide in Christ. We are efficient, effective, successful, proud, and…exhausted. We have bought into the lie that we indeed “pull ourselves up by our own bootstraps.” So, we strive, toiling for glimpses of satisfaction, rest, peace and comfort, yet strangely find these out of our reach. We abide, but in the wrong things.

Abiding gives the connotation of resting, dwelling, or “making yourself at home” in something or someone. In reality, we all abide in something – our abilities, our education, our money, our looks, our jobs. There is something we regularly choose to depend upon, to rest in, that we mistakenly expect to bring about the results we desire.

And yet, according to God’s word, the key to true fruitful living is found in abiding, in resting – in Jesus. He is the one who works in us to will and act according to His good purpose. By choosing to spend time with Him, pray to Him, talk to Him, worship Him, listen to Him, obey Him, and follow Him, we find peace, purpose and joy. In the end, this is what matters.

Learning to abide,

Kim

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6,7

It fascinates me that one of the most joyful and highly anticipated events in life can be riddled with so much anxiety. However, aren’t many things? A new job, a new marriage, new home, new city, are wonderfully exciting adventures, yet, they are on the top of the list of life’s stressors. Why?

Well, I can’t speak for others, but personally it is because of the unknown and the complete inability to control the process. Sure, I can strategize, follow recommendations, set goals, create contingency plans, etc. But, I can’t actually control the process. So I worry, because in my finite, sinful mind I would rather be comforted by the illusion of control. The sad thing is, as with any illusion, the situation or reality remains the same. And, to make matters worse, I am stuck with heart palpitations, insomnia, and lack of peace. I am irritable, easily agitated and miserable. How is that for control?

If I live in reality, I recognize that I can do nothing to bring about a healthy pregnancy and healthy baby. Sure, I can follow a diet, exercise, not drink, smoke, etc. But ultimately, the results are up to the Lord. He is knitting this child together – neurons, DNA, cell structure, organ development, personality, eye color, hair texture – everything. So why settle for the illusion of control when I can simply run to the One who truly controls – everything?

So today, at least at this moment, I choose to obey the command. I will not worry. Instead I will run to the Father, thanking Him for the life He has allowed us to conceive. I will present my requests for a healthy pregnancy and healthy child to Him. I will petition, and pray – continually, realizing that He is the One who holds not only the life of this child, but, my life in His hands. In this, He will grant peace. Still striving to…

Rest in His Sovereignty,

Kim

“Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” 1 Peter 5:7

Now what?

This is the first question that came to mind after the elation of the positive pregnancy test wore off. It’s the question that signified my being hit with a dose of reality (and, if I am honest, fear).

My internal conversation went something like this:

“ WOW, it’s positive. IT’S POSITIVE!! We’re pregnant. God, Thank you. Wow. We’re pregnant …Oh my goodness, we’re pregnant – Now what? We don’t know how to raise a child, how do we know which midwife to choose, what do I eat, I need vitamins, what if we miscarry this time, what did I did do, what do I do…?”

And, God intercepted my thoughts with:

“Kim, cast all your anxieties on me because I care for you.” Peace.

It was a sweet moment really, one reminiscent of many movie scenes when a loved one tenderly, yet firmly, keeps another from “falling off the deep end”. I could almost feel His hands as I imagined Him cupping my face, looking me in the eye, reassuring me that He has me, has us, in this process.

So, with that assurance we move forward. Yes, I still take vitamins, exercise and eat healthy (usually :D). But, as anxieties creep up (and they do), and fear attempts to seep in (and it does), I remember God’s words. He is a Sovereign God who created the universe in 6 days without lifting a single finger until He chose to fashion man with His hands. He has successfully populated the world for generations, creating people of all nationalities, in different locations, speaking different languages, all uniquely and individually knit together – in His image. And, He keeps it all going.

I think He can handle this, so I’m…

Striving to cast off anxieties,

Kim

p.s. I’m playing catch-up for the next few days/weeks, so there should be a few more updates (and pics) soon. The pics are more for my family and friends who aren’t here to see the growth. A little way to take you with me on the journey…