Marriage Archives - Things I Thought I'd Never

I Am Not Your Enemy

November 7, 2016

I am not your enemy.

I am not your enemy.

I am not your enemy.

Repeat after me…

I.am.not.your.enemy.

I feel as though a few of us may need to practice this phrase over the next day or so, and prepare to declare it. Repeatedly.

About 10 years ago, Reggie and I attended our first marriage retreat called A Weekend to Remember, hosted by Family Life. We were newly engaged and determined to enter marriage well-informed, and as prepared as possible. We had seen marriages that survived. We wanted a marriage that would thrive.

You know how it is with conferences, you are highly engaged in the moment. Passionate speakers. Thought-provoking exercises. You laugh, you ponder, maybe even cry. You are excited to implement ALL of information that you acquire, absolutely convinced that it will change your life/marriage/business/thinking. And then, as life happens and reality settles in, these ideas get tossed in the bin of “good intentions.”

That happened with us after that first retreat. We weren’t married yet, so we couldn’t see how some of these issues they discussed could possibly apply to us. We loved each other. We were friends. We could talk on the phone for hours. Agreed about everything. I once told him “I can’t imagine myself ever being mad at you” (he wisely responded, “Give me time.”). Nevertheless, we quickly discovered that our heads were in the clouds and we were indeed human, just like everyone else. And we would disagree and argue – just like anyone else.

But, one phrase stuck. And to this day, we still use it. When we are at odds over a particular issue, both determined to dig in our heels, prove our point and be right(!!!!), often one of us will come to our senses, and realize that there are greater things at stake than what we are arguing about. One of us will determine that our relationship, our desire to communicate, our intimacy and health and viability, our commitment to grow, and serve and support one another, our family and our witness is more important that who wins this argument.

“I am not your enemy.”

I am not your opponent, adversary, or competitor. I am not hostile towards you or aggressively opposed to your well-being. I want the best for you, for us. I am not out to destroy you. Even though that may feel like the case in the heat of the disagreement – I am not your enemy.

Now, as I mentioned in this previous post, I don’t believe “the Enemy” (Satan) is around every corner, or under every rock. But, I believe he and his forces are real. And his passion is destruction -of anything and everything that is healthy and good – by any means necessary.

That’s why I want us to practice this phrase. Because in a few hours some people will be celebrating, and some will be dismayed (and still others will be, “Meh.”) Family members – both blood relatives and those of us who are family by the blood of Christ will wonder, “Why in the world did you vote for_____?” or ask “Why didn’t you vote for_____?” or “How could you____?”

At the end of the day. Remind them (and yourself).

“I. Am. Not. Your. Enemy.”

My friend and sis, Sandy Hafeez wrote this very helpful post interviewing our friend Melody Gardner, about how people who claim to follow Christ can best engage one another in this tumultuous season.

“For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood,

but against the rulers,

against the authorities,

against the cosmic powers over this present darkness,

against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.”

Ephesians 6:12

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How We Met: “Maximize Your Moment”

March 2, 2016

The conference room buzzed with excitement. Decades-old friends reminiscing about “back in the day”. Mentees squealing as they reconnected with mentors. Hugs, handshakes, nods, smiles, laughter. The exhilaration in knowing that after 2 years of planning, praying, meeting, negotiating – It was finally here – Impact 2004.

I was a newbie, working and attending the conference for the first time. I entered the room a bit intimidated, scanning the room for one of the few familiar faces I knew would be present.

“Ah, there’s a seat at her table.” I sighed with relief.

As I approached the table, I noticed him. Dreadlocks, dimples…

“Hmm. He’s cute.”

He had a photo album with him, and was enthusiastically showing photos from the mission trip several of them took together to South Africa a few years prior.

“Cute and mission minded. Nice. But. He’s probably young.”

And I moved on. So I thought.

Somewhere near the end of the conference worker meeting that afternoon, I announced that I needed help setting up one of the session rooms.

Only two people came.

The cute missionary was one of them.

“Hi, I’m Reggie Gillespie.”

“You’re Reggie Gillespie???! YOU were the first one to sign up to go to South Africa for the STINT (one-year short term international mission trip). We’ve been praying for you. You’re Reggie Gillespie?? (with a grin)”

We hit it off immediately- talking, laughing, joking (i.e. flirting) as we worked. He was surprisingly easy to talk to. At some point my best sister-friend walked into the area, sensed some “connection” was happening, grinned, and walked out.

Then, I led a seminar – “Waiting for My Boo: How to Live Single.” College and graduate students crammed in, filling the seats, standing along the walls, sitting on the floor. About 10 minutes into the talk, out of the corner of my eye, I spot him sliding along the side of the wall, inching his way towards the front. Then, he sits. RIGHT. UP. FRONT.

“Oh my goodness, he’s in here…”

Heart palpitations.

Sweaty palms.

“Regroup. Breathe.”

I recovered and finished the session.

He disappears… …until he catches me in the hallway later that day, and hands me a puzzle piece.

See, during the session, in order to illustrate the frivolity by which we often approach dating, I had each attendee grab a puzzle piece. During the talk they were tasked to find a matching piece to their puzzle pieces within two minutes – virtually impossible with 500 pieces floating around.

When he handed me the puzzle piece, I thought, “Wow. Is he telling me he’s my matching piece???”* And I slipped it into my conference badge. (I also told him I didn’t know that he was in the session – lies, all lies – yeah, yeah don’t judge me – I was trying to be coy.)

All week long, we flirted. A stare. A smile. A nod. Brief conversations as we moved about fulfilling our roles. All week long, I asked mutual friends about him. How old is he? His character? What type of person is he? His heart for ministry?

Finally, during the last night, Pastor Maurice Watson did a main session called “Maximize Your Moment”. He repeated one phrase, “Opportunities come, opportunities go, opportunities come no more.”

I stormed right out at the end of that session, determined to “maximize my moment.” We sat in the hallway (this is where our stories differ, but since I’M the one telling this one…)

“Have you been checking me out?”

He laughs, “Yes, and you – me.”

“So, I’ve asked, and no one seems to know. How old ARE you?”

He laughs again, ‘Well, I know YOU are 30.” (So, he had been asking about me too?? Sweet.) “Yes. But how old are you???!”

He smiles, “23.”

“23??!”

“Yes. 23”

“Hm. It’s been really nice talking to you. Goodbye.”

And I walked away.

That’s right. I walked away.

Not my finest moment.

Fortunately, my sisters were present. All conference I told them how great he was, how funny, how nice, how well he treated me and others, how he seemed to love Jesus… All. Week. Long.

One of them (or, probably both) said, “Soooo, he was great when you thought he was older. He’s the same person, just younger.”

I wasn’t buying it. Fortunately, my sister, who can be counted on to meddle when necessary, (she has opened my eyes to knuckleheads and gems) found him, told him I needed to talk to him, told me “Carpe diem”, and walked away…

The rest (9 years and 3 babies later) is Gillespie history.

Lessons learned:

Blessings often come in unexpected ways. Don’t miss one because it’s not “packaged” the way you expected.
“Opportunities come, opportunities go, opportunities come no more.” Seize them.
God does hear and answer prayer (more on this later).

*Ha! Several years after we were married, I was working on a scrapbook of our journey together. I came across the badge, with the puzzle piece in it. I smiled and told him about why I saved it, asking if it really was his way of telling me he was interested. His response (while laughing), “Naw, Boo. I just found it on the floor and since I knew you used them, I was returning it to you. Would’ve been cool though.”

I like my version better…

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The Morning After: What’s Next?

February 15, 2015

Yesterday, couples across this country got engaged, married, and professed their undying love for one another. And then, today, some of them woke up and thought, “What’s next?” Sure, there is wedding planning, honeymooning, back to life as usual, with the candy that has been eaten, flowers in the vases, knees iced and feet soaking after all of the dancing. But really, “What’s next?”

Last weekend Reggie and I attended Family Life ‘s Weekend to Remember conference and I have been posting about it all week because it made such a significant impact on my life and how I approach marriage. See, Reggie and I attended this conference while we were engaged. And I highly recommend that. We took notes, did the assignments, and felt prepared and equipped to go into marriage. We still quote sayings we learned. For example, when one of us realizes that an argument is going downhill, we remind the other that “I am not your enemy.” Stops us dead in our tracks. But, back then, we were enthralled with one another, still starry-eyed, looking out for one another’s best interests and focused on pleasing and encouraging one another. We were in the middle of wedding planning, excited about the future, and did not think that some of the things they talked about would apply to us (after abstaining before marriage, there would be times afterwards when we would not want sex? Really???!). But, 8 years and 3 children later…

Let me tell you. Family Life knows what they are talking about. They can answer the question “What’s next?”. The conference covers the gamut, from identifying 5 threats to marriage to learning how our different communication styles can make communicating frustrating (he ‘lands the plane”, I ‘enjoy the ride” when telling a story- I often ask him to tell me the “girl” version of a story if I want details …see, I did it then :D). There are sessions on what it means to be “one” in marriage, intimacy, conflict resolution, how to thrive, how your marriage affects generations to come, and even one session when the men and women separate to address issues specific to husbands and wives. There are personal assignments, couple projects and a built-in date night (conveniently placed after the talk on intimacy). Thoughtful, engaging, thorough, well-organized, and beautiful. And the resources to help you after the conference are plentiful. It is not a one and done situation if you do not want it to be.

But, we have all attended conferences that leave us inspired, but very little change occurs afterwards, for various reasons. So, how has it made a difference to me?

Yesterday, my husband took our son and went to do laundry, then went to the grocery store to pick up a few things for me. He returned with a different jelly than I would buy, and I almost told him. Almost. Two weeks ago, I probably would have, but, “Often the difference between a successful marriage and mediocre one consists of leaving about three or four things a day unsaid.” – Harlan Miller

Y’all. He did the laundry (which he does all of the time so I don’t have to lug everything to the laundromat), then went to the grocery store, while using it as an opportunity to spend some quality time with our son. And I was about to criticize a jelly choice? Girl, please.

We attended a celebration of marriage at our church last night (great food, live music, dancing and child care?? Yes. Please.) After arriving at home, he took his clothes off, laid them on the bed, and began the process of putting our children to bed, because this is his special time with our children. I came in our room, noticed his clothes, and the “old me” would have 1.) complained or 2.) left them right where they are. But I remembered that acts of service is one of his love languages. And I gladly – yes – gladly, hung his clothes in the closet, and had more joy and peace than if I would have been ornery. But, you know what? After thanking me, he politely asked me where to put the basket of shoes I left out. Yeah. I would have blown it.

I am sure there are many more seemingly “small” incidents throughout the week I could recount, how he encouraged me when I criticized myself, how we intentionally prayed more than our cursory “Lord bless…”, how we realized that even though we both forgot to write our Valentine’s Day letters to one another, there is always tomorrow, since we will still love each other tomorrow, so neither of us (mainly me) needs to be offended (or stressed).

Yes, I would say that this conference was well work the investment. There were couples from all walks of life – pre-married, newly married (3 weeks in), young marrieds, empty nesters, and one couple who was 48 years strong. But all striving for the same thing.

It’s funny, ironic. We began this year saying that the last 2 years of our lives have been about survival, and this year we want our lives to be characterized by thriving. That is the focus of this conference. That marriages would not just survive, but thrive. I’m ready. Are you?

If your marriage is doing well or struggling, if you are new in it, or well-seasoned, go. This is what’s next. Please. Go. Family Life hosts them in various locations throughout the country and different times of the year. It is so worth it. You – your spouse – your family is so worth it. Please. Go.

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Our Top Seven: The Wedding

October 8, 2014

I loved our wedding!!!! Our wedding and the various aspects of it would definitely be in our top seven. It was such a sweet time for us, and one of the biggest compliments we were paid was that our wedding was “us”- a reflection of our personalities, passions and loves. Here are a few of the highlights..

Reggie is a creative, gifted, Mr. Fix It. Seriously, he can figure out how to make or fix just about anything he sets his mind to (that’s how he earned the nickname “MacGyver”). At some point while we were dating, I mentioned to him that I would have loved to have my wedding dress made in South Africa. Well, while he was living there, he found a skirt that he thought I would like, and sent me a picture of it. I loved it, but it was just a skirt. His solution? Design the rest. Yes. He designed the rest of my dress (including adding a wrap, because that was my “signature” piece at the time). He had a friend get my measurements, had it made, and presented it to me the day after he proposed.
Every aspect of our wedding involved someone we know and love, so it was very personal. We smile when we look at our behind the scene shots because a dear friend of both of ours took them, and knew what to capture. Another friend gave us a gift to cover our “official” photographer (who was yet another friend). We chuckled after hearing the story of the cake that was stuck in traffic. This past Christmas we had breakfast with the person who made it (we didn’t know it was late because our awesome friends who coordinated the reception did not tell us!!). The singers were my nieces and nephews, my best friend (more like a sister), and a great friend of Reggie’s. Those who read Scripture over us were our mentors/disciplers. The wedding and reception coordinators, caterers, dancer, videographer, host/hostesses – all people near and dear to one or both of us. Seven years later, we still keep in touch with the vast majority of those who were involved in our special day. I am so grateful.
My sweet (no longer little) nieces and nephews

Rob (on keys), Chris (on guitar), and Erica
The ceremony was performed by both of our pastors – one from Texas, the other from Tennessee. These men love Jesus, and humbly conducted the ceremony beautifully. Neither jockeyed for a certain role. They met at the rehearsal, came up with a plan, executed it in a way that was memorable and honored God, and even kept in touch afterwards. One of the sweetest moments for me was when my pastor teared up after our friend Chris sang…
Pastor Wilson, from Dallas, TX, and Rev. Charlton, from Johnson City, TN while I am reading my vows to Reggie.
…This song.
Age with You*, was written by our friend Chris J. Eger. Reggie gave me this recording of Chris singing it while we were dating, and it remains a favorite. It is an absolutely beautiful story of commitment and love. When we started planning our wedding, we knew it was perfect and immediately agreed we had to ask Chris to sing it. So grateful that he did. I cried (again) posting this.
Somehow, the order of service was switched here. But God. Divine intervention placed Age With You immediately before we were surrounded by all of our living grandparents, for a prayer of blessing, legacy, and longevity. The beauty of this perfect timing was that all of our grandparents remained committed to their marriages until death parted them (ranging 40 – 66 years).
While reading my vows, it was such a tender moment seeing my Boo tear up. Adding to this precious moment was looking into the audience afterwards, and noticing a few of his friends with misty eyes. Sweet time.
We were amazed by the number of people who attended our wedding from various locations in the country. By the time we married we had lived in 7 different locations between us. We had postponed the wedding, only to put it back on the original date. We originally started planning it in Savannah, GA (found a church and everything), then once we realized we were moving to TN, we changed the locale to Franklin, TN. But then, we didn’t move to Franklin, TN until 3 weeks before the wedding. And yet, every single detail and cost was covered (Yes. Debt free wedding!). Family, friends (and those who were yet to become friends) cared, supported, assisted, counseled, advised, encouraged and celebrated us. It is a day we will always choose to remember as a gift of God’s grace to us.

*Age With You, by Chris J. Eger, August 30, 2004

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